Our anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Brads 3rd anniversary. Although we had only been back together for such a short time in the grand scheme of life- I loved him for much longer- I loved him from the day i met him over 13 years ago when we were 14, and 15 years old. Young and in love.

We dated 6 times before we had finally gotten "it right"

Last year in October me Brad and Brody went on a hayride not far from our home then and got Brody his pumpkin. We took pictures and had a great day it was beautiful out the sun was shining and all the leaves were bright orange, it was a beautiful hayride to the pumpkin patch and beside the river we had a hot dog and free hot cocoa. Brad begun to talk to the owner of the farm about if they rent it out for a venue- such as weddings. We talked a few times after that about a potential fall wedding- unfortunatly thats a dream thats been shattered into a thousand peices because he never asked me to marry him, and never will.

I knew this time last year that every year we would do this as a family.

When we moved to another town we talked of going back every year in tradition.

As October creeped toward us after he passed, I knew nothing could stop me from taking our son there even if it was alone.

And thats how it was as I drove down the road in our community that we had brought our son to our first home in, I was alone. And instead of a festive family run farm with animals and a pumkin patch a hayride and free hot chocolate by the river, was an empty clean yard.

Yup they sold it and this year and the new owners werent doing it

(before your too disapointed for me although this was hard to swallow- down the road from there is another pumking patch with a hayride and pumkins and a corn maze and we had already known that the next day we were going there with our baby group friends like a reunion so tradition wont stop it just wont be the venue we dreamed of marrying at.)

So smack dab in the middle of both of these places is the graveyard where Bradley rests. So we went for a visit and a cry, I brought him a card and Brody brought a pumpkin.

So I did it. I not only made it through a very tough day but I actually had a really good fun filled day. I made it through a day that is "ours" forever and made it through having to adapt tradition in the sake of tradition. I realized that certain places wont do hay rides forever, places change with time. People will change with time.

The air was full of spring when Bradley passed- we had planned a great summer as a family and that changed. The leaves have changed bright orange and mainly fallen from the trees. Brad never got to see our "new house" in summer and now fall, and yeat every day it changes.

Life changes.

Its what you do with it that matters.

And with that I sign off Bradley I love you, and miss you more than words express it even feels silly sometimes to try. I celebrated another year of our love as I will every year on October 23rd, I will keep our love alive my sweet, I will celebrate our love because Id rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Is 2011 over yet

I cannot beleive this year isnt over yet I wish it would just eff off.

Excuse my language.

It may partially be my lifes circumstances but It seems to be a bad year for losing people we love.

I would like to send out some extra love to the families of these listed people who have all passed in the last few weeks.

RIP GG- this is my best friend Grandmother who fought hard against pancreatic cancer- may you dance on silver lined clouds

RIP to Keegan- a 19 year old boy who wanted to fly under the radar and yet touched the lives of many I pray your form of cancer deems some extra research and that your story continues to inspire others.

RIP Nanny and Papa- these two were my sons great great grandparents- married 52 years the passed away 2 days apart they swore they wouldnt be without eachother at 96 and 98 years old this story is just too sweet. They had a service for them together last week- hope the fishings good!

RIP Mr.Werner- this is my ex boyfriends dad, who passed away this week from terminal cancer. To your family may good memories some day bring you peace

RIP Dave Leyenaar- This is an old highschool friend who passed tragically last week in an accident. 27 years old. We thought we were going to lose Dave years ago after a quad accident left him in a coma for awhile. Fortunatly his family was given some extra time with him.

Today is Daves funeral- but it seems like alot this year.

So my post today isnt extra inspirational other than i wanted to share my condolences to those on this list and those that arent. To mothers fathers spouses children cousins aunts uncles friends who have all lost a loved one in 2011 this stupid year

you

As a young widow no one know better than I do how short life really can be, how quickly your normal foundation is shaken, and that bad things do really happen to good people. Its what you do with this newfound knowledge and understanding of mortality.

I chose to close the blinds lock the doors crawl deep under the covers and cry my heart out, i listen to sad songs in the car and devote alot of time to my late husband and his memories.

Occasionally.

Most of the time i talk to a close friend on te phone, arrange playdates, and now finally have returned to work. My life right now is on full focus on me (and of course my son) im embracing who i was who I am and who i want to be in the future. What can i do to reach these goals and why i want these things for me and my son. When i have a hot bath thats for me, when i go to work and work hard to earn a paycheck thats for us- all 3 of us. Just because Brads not here anymore doesnt mean that most things i do are for him as well. I would like him to be proud of his family. I knew when he was still here he was so proud of us, I wouldnt want that to change.

A friend of mine recently found herself a single mother with two kids. True her situations alot different from mine as her kids will still see their father, hes still here and she will get a "Break" from time to time, but she is mourning the loss of their love. In this regard I am lucky. I know Brad loved me very much and that will never change.

So i reminded her to embrace herself.
Stand up for yourself no one else is looking out #1 for you except you!

Inspiration.

To other new single parents grab a new hobby that makes you happy, maybe even turn it into a business, but take the time to find your inspiration.

The inspiration that encourages you to put one foot in front of the other.

My story sucks, my storys pretty worst case scenario, but its the worst thing i have ever gone through and I pray those i love wont have to go through what i continue to endure day after day, but really its no worse than any other single parents story- if thats the worst thing they have experienced they too had to learn to put one foot in front of the other and as Nike so nicely put it "just do it"

My inspiration is me- i am taking this time to devote to me sounds selfish but try it- you deserve it

A hard First

One of the hard "firsts" being a widdow has come and passed. It was my 29th Birthday this week, and i managed to not only survive this "first" but also genuinly enjoyed myself!

I went to a town 3 hours away where a large group of close girlfriends live and had a night out on the town and I really enjoyed it.

Leading up to my day was hard, I had no idea how i was going to manage without my love. I bought myself a new bedset and made "our" room inviting to curl up with a book on a hard day.

The night before my birthday my "papa in law" if you will, my sons great great grandfather passed away at 96 years old, true papa lived a long life and its nice to see him not suffering, we were all prepared for this and its much easier to embrace a long lived full life especially after we had just experienced such a tragic loss in my young family.

I would also like to take the time right now to remember an old dear friend Cody. Cody was an ex boyfriend of mine and despite that at that time our large group of friends was super close and we remained friends. Cody tragically passed in 2007 leaving his beautiful daughter who was about a year and a half old at the time. Most everyone got a chance to say goodbye to Cody and his wonderful family kept him on life support to be an organ donor. There was about 30+ people at the hospital that night and morning all sharing their love. He passed away on October 5th 2007. My birthday.

I didnt celebrate that year, and felt guilty in subsequent years and this year was no exception. Torn between closing my blinds and shutting off the phones I went out dancing. I had a drink for papa, one for Cody and one for Brad but most of all i had one for me. I am here. I am living. I can laugh and dance and drink and have fun, even if it means crying in the car on the way, and closing out the world the next day (with no reflection of any hangover)

So remember as your "firsts" aproach how can you take the time on those days to genuinly enjoy yourself but also love and remember your loved one and yourself