Our anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Brads 3rd anniversary. Although we had only been back together for such a short time in the grand scheme of life- I loved him for much longer- I loved him from the day i met him over 13 years ago when we were 14, and 15 years old. Young and in love.

We dated 6 times before we had finally gotten "it right"

Last year in October me Brad and Brody went on a hayride not far from our home then and got Brody his pumpkin. We took pictures and had a great day it was beautiful out the sun was shining and all the leaves were bright orange, it was a beautiful hayride to the pumpkin patch and beside the river we had a hot dog and free hot cocoa. Brad begun to talk to the owner of the farm about if they rent it out for a venue- such as weddings. We talked a few times after that about a potential fall wedding- unfortunatly thats a dream thats been shattered into a thousand peices because he never asked me to marry him, and never will.

I knew this time last year that every year we would do this as a family.

When we moved to another town we talked of going back every year in tradition.

As October creeped toward us after he passed, I knew nothing could stop me from taking our son there even if it was alone.

And thats how it was as I drove down the road in our community that we had brought our son to our first home in, I was alone. And instead of a festive family run farm with animals and a pumkin patch a hayride and free hot chocolate by the river, was an empty clean yard.

Yup they sold it and this year and the new owners werent doing it

(before your too disapointed for me although this was hard to swallow- down the road from there is another pumking patch with a hayride and pumkins and a corn maze and we had already known that the next day we were going there with our baby group friends like a reunion so tradition wont stop it just wont be the venue we dreamed of marrying at.)

So smack dab in the middle of both of these places is the graveyard where Bradley rests. So we went for a visit and a cry, I brought him a card and Brody brought a pumpkin.

So I did it. I not only made it through a very tough day but I actually had a really good fun filled day. I made it through a day that is "ours" forever and made it through having to adapt tradition in the sake of tradition. I realized that certain places wont do hay rides forever, places change with time. People will change with time.

The air was full of spring when Bradley passed- we had planned a great summer as a family and that changed. The leaves have changed bright orange and mainly fallen from the trees. Brad never got to see our "new house" in summer and now fall, and yeat every day it changes.

Life changes.

Its what you do with it that matters.

And with that I sign off Bradley I love you, and miss you more than words express it even feels silly sometimes to try. I celebrated another year of our love as I will every year on October 23rd, I will keep our love alive my sweet, I will celebrate our love because Id rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Remembering

I bought my son a little plastic toy moose, hes 18 months old and seemed very pleased, I place the moose up on the stool in front of him. I turn to him and say "Theres your moose up on the ridge" then I say "Bang" and make the moose "fall" off the ridge. My son picks up the toy instantly looks at me waits for me to say Bang and when i do he pushes the moose over.

I hope this doesnt offend anyone, but this is what daddy would have done, my son will be taught that you eat what you shoot, I want him to be exposed as he would have been even if that mean i have to lay on the couch with a beer and pretend my son is the deer.

Bradley was an avid hunter, he lived to hunt (and in the off season fish). He dreamed of the days he would teach what he knew to his son and I am hell bent on raising our son as we had planned, exposures we had discussed. We want him to play soccer (its cheap, team oriented, and no 6am ice rink), we want him to be in boyscouts and camp and fish and boat, we want him to be exposed to deer hunting and deer shed hunting.

Greiving is all about remembering, it consumes you the memories of your loved one Flood you.

There is nothing you do that doesnt bring the memory of your lives together, things they said, things you said, places you went, their face their laugh their smiles, the way it felt when you touched them. The past the present the future its all there all the time. And you miss it.

There are days you can barely make yourself get out of bed, days you fall to your knees and feel your legs will never support you again, but then there it is again things they said, things you said, the past the present the future and it becomes your mission to remember. You get out of bed put one foot in front of the other and begin another day remembering.

And in by remembering you keep their spirits alive.

You may have noticed I still speak about our future plans before he passed, the goals we had as a family I still refer to us as us.... we had plans we had dreams and Im going to talk about them those were mine and Brads and they always will be, this is me remembering this is me passing on his legacy, this is me keeping his values and interests alive.

To those who have lost in this life.... go ahead and remember. Surround yourself with loved ones who will listen to you remember, and help you remember, even if it means you will be prompted to picture yourself laying on a couch with a beer while your son pretends to be a deer. Bang! Over he falls to the floor. why would i do that?

I remember him teling me how his dad would do that with him and his sister, he loved it, he was born a hunter, and because I remember how he couldnt wait for his young son to full out walk, because if he could walk.... our son could be a deer