Our anniversary

Yesterday was mine and Brads 3rd anniversary. Although we had only been back together for such a short time in the grand scheme of life- I loved him for much longer- I loved him from the day i met him over 13 years ago when we were 14, and 15 years old. Young and in love.

We dated 6 times before we had finally gotten "it right"

Last year in October me Brad and Brody went on a hayride not far from our home then and got Brody his pumpkin. We took pictures and had a great day it was beautiful out the sun was shining and all the leaves were bright orange, it was a beautiful hayride to the pumpkin patch and beside the river we had a hot dog and free hot cocoa. Brad begun to talk to the owner of the farm about if they rent it out for a venue- such as weddings. We talked a few times after that about a potential fall wedding- unfortunatly thats a dream thats been shattered into a thousand peices because he never asked me to marry him, and never will.

I knew this time last year that every year we would do this as a family.

When we moved to another town we talked of going back every year in tradition.

As October creeped toward us after he passed, I knew nothing could stop me from taking our son there even if it was alone.

And thats how it was as I drove down the road in our community that we had brought our son to our first home in, I was alone. And instead of a festive family run farm with animals and a pumkin patch a hayride and free hot chocolate by the river, was an empty clean yard.

Yup they sold it and this year and the new owners werent doing it

(before your too disapointed for me although this was hard to swallow- down the road from there is another pumking patch with a hayride and pumkins and a corn maze and we had already known that the next day we were going there with our baby group friends like a reunion so tradition wont stop it just wont be the venue we dreamed of marrying at.)

So smack dab in the middle of both of these places is the graveyard where Bradley rests. So we went for a visit and a cry, I brought him a card and Brody brought a pumpkin.

So I did it. I not only made it through a very tough day but I actually had a really good fun filled day. I made it through a day that is "ours" forever and made it through having to adapt tradition in the sake of tradition. I realized that certain places wont do hay rides forever, places change with time. People will change with time.

The air was full of spring when Bradley passed- we had planned a great summer as a family and that changed. The leaves have changed bright orange and mainly fallen from the trees. Brad never got to see our "new house" in summer and now fall, and yeat every day it changes.

Life changes.

Its what you do with it that matters.

And with that I sign off Bradley I love you, and miss you more than words express it even feels silly sometimes to try. I celebrated another year of our love as I will every year on October 23rd, I will keep our love alive my sweet, I will celebrate our love because Id rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Is 2011 over yet

I cannot beleive this year isnt over yet I wish it would just eff off.

Excuse my language.

It may partially be my lifes circumstances but It seems to be a bad year for losing people we love.

I would like to send out some extra love to the families of these listed people who have all passed in the last few weeks.

RIP GG- this is my best friend Grandmother who fought hard against pancreatic cancer- may you dance on silver lined clouds

RIP to Keegan- a 19 year old boy who wanted to fly under the radar and yet touched the lives of many I pray your form of cancer deems some extra research and that your story continues to inspire others.

RIP Nanny and Papa- these two were my sons great great grandparents- married 52 years the passed away 2 days apart they swore they wouldnt be without eachother at 96 and 98 years old this story is just too sweet. They had a service for them together last week- hope the fishings good!

RIP Mr.Werner- this is my ex boyfriends dad, who passed away this week from terminal cancer. To your family may good memories some day bring you peace

RIP Dave Leyenaar- This is an old highschool friend who passed tragically last week in an accident. 27 years old. We thought we were going to lose Dave years ago after a quad accident left him in a coma for awhile. Fortunatly his family was given some extra time with him.

Today is Daves funeral- but it seems like alot this year.

So my post today isnt extra inspirational other than i wanted to share my condolences to those on this list and those that arent. To mothers fathers spouses children cousins aunts uncles friends who have all lost a loved one in 2011 this stupid year

you

As a young widow no one know better than I do how short life really can be, how quickly your normal foundation is shaken, and that bad things do really happen to good people. Its what you do with this newfound knowledge and understanding of mortality.

I chose to close the blinds lock the doors crawl deep under the covers and cry my heart out, i listen to sad songs in the car and devote alot of time to my late husband and his memories.

Occasionally.

Most of the time i talk to a close friend on te phone, arrange playdates, and now finally have returned to work. My life right now is on full focus on me (and of course my son) im embracing who i was who I am and who i want to be in the future. What can i do to reach these goals and why i want these things for me and my son. When i have a hot bath thats for me, when i go to work and work hard to earn a paycheck thats for us- all 3 of us. Just because Brads not here anymore doesnt mean that most things i do are for him as well. I would like him to be proud of his family. I knew when he was still here he was so proud of us, I wouldnt want that to change.

A friend of mine recently found herself a single mother with two kids. True her situations alot different from mine as her kids will still see their father, hes still here and she will get a "Break" from time to time, but she is mourning the loss of their love. In this regard I am lucky. I know Brad loved me very much and that will never change.

So i reminded her to embrace herself.
Stand up for yourself no one else is looking out #1 for you except you!

Inspiration.

To other new single parents grab a new hobby that makes you happy, maybe even turn it into a business, but take the time to find your inspiration.

The inspiration that encourages you to put one foot in front of the other.

My story sucks, my storys pretty worst case scenario, but its the worst thing i have ever gone through and I pray those i love wont have to go through what i continue to endure day after day, but really its no worse than any other single parents story- if thats the worst thing they have experienced they too had to learn to put one foot in front of the other and as Nike so nicely put it "just do it"

My inspiration is me- i am taking this time to devote to me sounds selfish but try it- you deserve it

A hard First

One of the hard "firsts" being a widdow has come and passed. It was my 29th Birthday this week, and i managed to not only survive this "first" but also genuinly enjoyed myself!

I went to a town 3 hours away where a large group of close girlfriends live and had a night out on the town and I really enjoyed it.

Leading up to my day was hard, I had no idea how i was going to manage without my love. I bought myself a new bedset and made "our" room inviting to curl up with a book on a hard day.

The night before my birthday my "papa in law" if you will, my sons great great grandfather passed away at 96 years old, true papa lived a long life and its nice to see him not suffering, we were all prepared for this and its much easier to embrace a long lived full life especially after we had just experienced such a tragic loss in my young family.

I would also like to take the time right now to remember an old dear friend Cody. Cody was an ex boyfriend of mine and despite that at that time our large group of friends was super close and we remained friends. Cody tragically passed in 2007 leaving his beautiful daughter who was about a year and a half old at the time. Most everyone got a chance to say goodbye to Cody and his wonderful family kept him on life support to be an organ donor. There was about 30+ people at the hospital that night and morning all sharing their love. He passed away on October 5th 2007. My birthday.

I didnt celebrate that year, and felt guilty in subsequent years and this year was no exception. Torn between closing my blinds and shutting off the phones I went out dancing. I had a drink for papa, one for Cody and one for Brad but most of all i had one for me. I am here. I am living. I can laugh and dance and drink and have fun, even if it means crying in the car on the way, and closing out the world the next day (with no reflection of any hangover)

So remember as your "firsts" aproach how can you take the time on those days to genuinly enjoy yourself but also love and remember your loved one and yourself

A hard battle- the C word Cancer

Cancer is a topic most of us chose to try not to bring up. Its something foreign to us and until its affecting us we try not to talk about it. Its invisible to our naked eyes until its broughten to our attention. Its inevitable the people who we know and love will sometimes become ill get sick, some will respond well to treatment and be given another chance at this crazy world, and others will become our angels.

I have lost family to cancer, friends and acquaitences, i have friends and family who are ill now and I pray for them but id like to take the time right now for the widows out there who struggled watching their partners suffer.

I love this quote We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. I live in a small comunity one thats known for its "heart" we have banded together to be dubbed Hockeyville one year and "Ultimate fishing town", we voted to send a local teacher to a 3rd world country and voted one of our own to live at Vancouver airport for 30 days. In these cases we went online and supported our neighbours and our town in new accomplishments.

I have never seen a town have such heart until this year. When Bradley passed the community came togehter with a fundraiser for us at a grocery store and they raised more than the event coordinator had seen just selling hotdogs. I was thrilled with the support.

I payed it forward and when i heard shortly after my loss, that a young family in a neighbouring town had lost their mother due to an unknown heart problem I banded together what I had to help- and it was moslty my time. I picked up collected donations of food and clothes formula and diapers (the kids were 3 and 3 months old) food coupons toys and managed to put together a kit of cleaning supplies and soap a razor and more from my stockpile from couponing and brought them to this family. I couldnt just sit and watch.

Since then our little town is seeing more tragedy a young boy 19 years old named Keegan has terminal cancer, his dreams are simple ones, he wants to go to the vancouver zoo, and the aquarium. One lady has challenged the community to donate just one hour of their wages and they have raised over 1000 already. There is a bottle drive in effect and much more all to help this young mans dad saty with him at home for the rest of his days and help a few dreams come true.

One of the fundraising events is also for Ashley Savic, a friend of mine whos determined shes "kicking cancers ass" there are dances scheduled to help her out as well, the one is a halloween dance put on for both Ashley and Keegan.

A young mother from my baby group whos daughter now 19 months is one week younger than my son, is expecting a 2nd baby in November, meanwhile they are over in Vancouver while Hailey under goes treatment for a tumour in her abdomen. Again to see everyone come together. Our baby group alone is sending over gift cards toys games cards diapers hats and more gifts for Hailey, mom dad and the new baby.

So heres my request to those reading this- please take a look around your community. Is there a family in need, a widow next door who might need her lawn mowed, a family down the street who has a child in the hospital, a child with a dream and a wish and a short time to fulfil it. What do you have to offer, an extra thing of diapers, some deoderant and canned food, can you bake or cook, or can you just donate some time collecting donations for someone in need.

Pay it forward is sweeping our lives, as is compasion and love. Can you join the movement? You never know when it may be your turn to need some help, and I pray you never do. If you never do it still feels good!

Get your head out of the sand

In a study of over 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years no one reported an ostrich burried its head in the sand.

Right now in the greiving process I wish I could bury my head in the sand- or at the very least my toes on a hot beach somewhere. Its so easy to sit at home and dwell and the more I do it the easier it seems than reaching out to people.

But for my son I pull my head of of the sand and put my best foot forward, if ostriches really never bury their head in the sand then why do we as humans think they do.......

Expression "Bury your head in the sand" originates from Pliney the Elder a Roman writer who suggested ostriches hide their heads in bushes- ostriches do neither but they do lay down to look "conspicuous"

When faced with difficult callenges its easy to just want to lay down bury your head in the sand and
disapear its easy to forgo social events and things you would normally enjoy, and you do have an excuse, but sometimes in order for light to get through sand you have to stir it up a bit and with natural light comes Vitamin D and Endorphins which make you happy.

So tomorrow Im going out im going to smile and think Ostiches have the smallest brain in the world if they dont actually bury their heads in the sand then I must be smart enough to stay above the dirt surface

Meaning of "bury your head in the sand" refuse to confront or acknowledge a problem

Tell your story

Calling other young widows and widowers.

This is a shoutout to you... ya you
You are not alone. I do not understand your pain because I dont know about your relationship with your partner, nor am i aware of your previous experiences with loss, but you are not alone, unfortunatly there are more of us than I thought there were.

Lets take the time to reach out to one another and lend a hand in one way we all know how, by sharing our experience, we can gain from expressing our feelings, by remembering and sharing, lets get a convo going

Whats your story? You know mine (see Blog Tragic Lovestory Sept 2011)

An extra ps, im not finding many canadian widow and widower sites, none on facebook.... fellow canadians are you out there?

Photo from this site http://beingalison.com/

Remembering

I bought my son a little plastic toy moose, hes 18 months old and seemed very pleased, I place the moose up on the stool in front of him. I turn to him and say "Theres your moose up on the ridge" then I say "Bang" and make the moose "fall" off the ridge. My son picks up the toy instantly looks at me waits for me to say Bang and when i do he pushes the moose over.

I hope this doesnt offend anyone, but this is what daddy would have done, my son will be taught that you eat what you shoot, I want him to be exposed as he would have been even if that mean i have to lay on the couch with a beer and pretend my son is the deer.

Bradley was an avid hunter, he lived to hunt (and in the off season fish). He dreamed of the days he would teach what he knew to his son and I am hell bent on raising our son as we had planned, exposures we had discussed. We want him to play soccer (its cheap, team oriented, and no 6am ice rink), we want him to be in boyscouts and camp and fish and boat, we want him to be exposed to deer hunting and deer shed hunting.

Greiving is all about remembering, it consumes you the memories of your loved one Flood you.

There is nothing you do that doesnt bring the memory of your lives together, things they said, things you said, places you went, their face their laugh their smiles, the way it felt when you touched them. The past the present the future its all there all the time. And you miss it.

There are days you can barely make yourself get out of bed, days you fall to your knees and feel your legs will never support you again, but then there it is again things they said, things you said, the past the present the future and it becomes your mission to remember. You get out of bed put one foot in front of the other and begin another day remembering.

And in by remembering you keep their spirits alive.

You may have noticed I still speak about our future plans before he passed, the goals we had as a family I still refer to us as us.... we had plans we had dreams and Im going to talk about them those were mine and Brads and they always will be, this is me remembering this is me passing on his legacy, this is me keeping his values and interests alive.

To those who have lost in this life.... go ahead and remember. Surround yourself with loved ones who will listen to you remember, and help you remember, even if it means you will be prompted to picture yourself laying on a couch with a beer while your son pretends to be a deer. Bang! Over he falls to the floor. why would i do that?

I remember him teling me how his dad would do that with him and his sister, he loved it, he was born a hunter, and because I remember how he couldnt wait for his young son to full out walk, because if he could walk.... our son could be a deer

A tragic love Story

My name is Trena and this is my story of eternal love-

When a couple vows in marriage to love and to hold until death do them part they are promising eachother eternal love, me and Bradley never walked down the aisle together and never will have that opportunity, but we were continuously drawn to eachother time and time again until we thought we had a near perfect life........

We met May 1998 it was the long weekend (Victoria Day) in Cassidy B.C. A friend of mine used to race Go-Karts and had invited me to the racetrack to camp with her family for the weekend. I was 15 years old, he would have been 14.

I thought he was the sweetest thing i had ever seen, so freakin cute it made me crazy, we talked and talked and talked and that night he told me he loved me, albeit I told him that wasnt possible, but he seemed to beleive it.

It was an amazing summer I remember like it was yesterday and i had the 100% full on teenage crush- I had a collage of his pictures in my room and doodled our names all over everything, but alas we lived in different towns and too young for drivers lisences we struggled to stay together. We drifted to and from eachother a few times and one of the times we got back together I remember he told my friend he was going to get down on one knee and ask me back out. My friend being the loyal friend she was of course told me so i was well prepared for all this, he bervously tried to call me downstairs I played coy and when we got to the basement all alone in a big rec room he looks at me and says "I told Amber I was going to get down on one knee do i have to" I just looed at the floor and gestured that he should, and he did, he was always sweet like that.

I remember catching the bus often to see him, and i remember us both praying I would miss the bus and have to spend the night, but his mother always got us there on time- despite our attempts.

As we grew into young adults our paths crossed less frequently and they they did they werent always the right time for both of us and again we would drift apart.

One night after havign a few drinks a friend of mine and me decided to call him randomly and out of the blue, he answered his phone and i talked to him for a short while then she did- he was heading out fishing the next day for 5 months and wouldnt have cell service.

His little sister was a friend of mine on facebook and sometime that summer i messaged her asking why Bradley didnt have a facebook, hes not into computers she told me but he does have a plenty of fish account she said.

Hmmmm he must be single I got that devilish look in my eye, keyed in the web address and immediatly made a POF account (for those who dont know this is a free dating site) I stated on my profile i was not searching for a commitment or relationship of any time that i was searching for a friend. Created my account then immeditaly tracked down his profile and sent a message, i think it was something simple, like hey how r u my sister said you had this account why dont you have facebook? heres my number call sometime. and that was that.

It was the end of september before i got a response

My phone rang and it was him. We still lived in towns an hour apart, but his parents have a vacation home 15 mintues from my house at the lake, he called said him and his cousin were coming to town if i wanted to get together- o how i did and o how excited i was- so much so i called my bff right away and was running around my room tryingto find an outfit and do my hair and makeup when my foot stepped down on the ground my back gave out and i couldnt get up- i spent the next 45 minutes deciding what to do i could barely walk. (this was a reccurring back problem i have recently had repaired by surgey)

So he showed up at my house looking cuter than ever after a 5 month fishing job and i went and visited for a bit but came home to rest my back. He called minutes after i got home and said hed like to cook me dinner and would make me a nest on the couch where i could rest. I couldnt resist.

We enjoyed our visit and spent a few days together then he was heading out for a 3 week long hunting trip, but the day he got back it was official, it was the 6th time we dated but we were back together Oct 23rd 2008 was our official newest anniversary date. We spent hours and hours together talking planning enjoying and getting to know one another inside and out as mature adults who liked to have fun :)

Dec 15th 2008 he secured a rental house in his town for us- I was jumping in with both feet I was moving to his town and we were moving in togehter both of us knew we had to just jump in and see if this really was our chance at true love.

We were enjoying life, we werent rich but had enough that we were eating and drinking merrily, we went for long drives looking at deer or hiking for deer sheds, fishing or boating, and always enjoyed our adventures, we got a pleasant suprise in June 2009 we were expecting and baby would be due March 5th 2010. Our lives slowed a bit we still went ofr drives to look at deer (his all time favorite pasttime next to fishing or hunting lol) but we werent staying up late and drinking (although im sure he missed it a bit more than i did)

Our beautiful son was born Feb 27th 2010 7 lbs 12oz with a full head of dark hair. We were parents and that baby was perfect.

I sunk my time and soul into our son and forgot simetimes to take time for me and for us as a couple, but we were young parents and were enjoying being a family, trips to go on a hayride to get a pumpkin, first boat ride and little fishing excursion in the lake down the road, garage sales on sundays, flea markets, kids events we tried to do things often as a family and Brad always said "I always enjoy when we do things as a family" it was always music to my ears.

We had talked about moving to my hometown again, a small community with nice schools and lots of fishing and hunting for him and my family and friends for me, and when he became frustrated at his job at the time he came to my hometown and handed out some resumes, he was offered almost immediatly a job that offered more per hour in a cheaper town, so we bagn packing out whole house and within 15 days moved me him the baby and 3 cats to a rental where my roots run deep.

I always loved Bradley, my friends always said I talked of him often before we got together in 2008 i guess i never realized how often he really was on my mind, I called him my baby Bradley when we were young, I remembered how soft his hair was and where his dimples on his cekkes sat, as a young adult he often sported a beard and I could describe in detail the colour of his eyes.

May 29th 2011 days over the 13 year anniversary when we had met my world toppled over. I had finally found the love of my life although really he was there right in front of me all along. A love that never waned from year to year from teenager to adult I loved him and everthing that came with it- and it was all ripped from my grasp. There had been an accident and Brad was no longer with us........

NO NO NO NO NO

I will love you forver as long as my soul lives you're a a part of me who i am and who i will become this is the definition of Eternal Love